Big Decisions and a Checklist

Great news! We have reached our agreed upon savings point where we are able to begin IVF to create embryos! I put in a request to get things moving for a cycle this summer, so we are working through a checklist of things necessary for IVF when a surrogate is used.

This list includes a donor medical interview which is geared for, well, donors such as kidney donors and deceased donors. An actual question includes asking if there a diagnosis of sepsis at time of death…

And then there’s the physical form we had to have our doctor fill out for each of us that also treated us like a corpse. (Doctor is required to take inventory on a body sketch of markings/scars/bruises, tattoos, piercings, and such.) So clearly we need to advocate for a process that is more geared toward embryo donation and surrogacy.

We are currently waiting for all my medical records to be sent over so that the RE can review and decide what labs need done to decide my med plan for retrieval.

Before we can create embryos, we have to fill out a form which spells out what is to be done with any extras once we are done with the process, if we stop the process, separate, die, etc. It was a lot of big decisions and took a bit to work through. I mean, imagine having to decide custody of imaginary future kids in all these scenarios.. and not just future kids, but the IDEA of future kids. Obviously if kids already exist at the time of one of our deaths or a divorce, the process is a bit easier to grasp, it’s unfortunately commonplace in our society, so we aren’t steering blindly with no reference. But if the kid isn’t born or even gestating yet… weird thing to think about, right?

If one of us dies, does the other get to then try to bring our child into the world still? The consequences of these decisions for me aren’t the same as the consequences for him. If we elect to discard embryos if we split, my chance of having a biological child basically goes out the window. That’s not the case for him, but other valid concerns like child support and how financially involved would he have to be for a surrogacy to even bring a child into the world after divorce is a lot to take on. It all of a sudden brought to light a giant power imbalance that our relationship has never had before. Like I said, it’s a lot to consider and go through as a couple.

Luckily, my husband loves me immensely (and I him!) and we worked our way through all these forms and divorce is not on the table, even if we have to mark a choice on the form for the scenario!

This next month and a half will be focused on becoming more active and eating as healthy as possible so that I’m at a good starting point for our cycle.

Anxious and excited to get this part of the process done, but also acutely aware of how far we have to go yet… Fingers crossed we get there!

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