Defiant

My mama would probably tell you I was a stubborn child. My brother and sister would probably agree.

I’ve always had a hard time letting things go when I had my hopes up for a certain outcome.

Persistent.

Stubborn.

Defiant.

Today was my baseline appointment for our IVF cycle to create embryos. After everything we have been through, it’s surreal that we are to this point. We are officially committed to me never being pregnant again since we will have spent so much money making embryos. (I guess assuming there are embryos at the end of this cycle.) Even though this is another sort of loss to process, I’m so thankful that science allows us this opportunity.

Of all the feelings involved with taking this step, some are more obvious than others: excitement, anxiousness, sadness at this loss of being able to do this on our own. But …defiance is a big one for me, too, which may sound odd.

I’m defiant. In all the loss and heartbreak that we’ve been through, our story doesn’t end there. It won’t end there. I refuse to let these obstacles stand in my way of having my own family.

My defiance makes me nervous, too, though, because I always have that little voice in my head saying, what if this fails too?

What will we do then? How long can we keep going? I don’t know the answers because right now, all I can focus on is keeping going.

Right now that means starting shots on Friday night and crossing all my fingers and toes that the 23 follicles they counted today turn into 23 collected eggs.

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