“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King I first want to say that this is not a cry for help, nor is it me saying that those around me have failed me. It has been weighing on my mind as … Continue reading Grief is Complicated
Before I always thought good and bad were separate. You could have good moments and bad moments. I knew that having a bad moment or two didn't make a day bad, but there was some distinction between good and bad. With stillbirth everything that you know gets thrown out, tossed upside down, and muddled all … Continue reading The Good & The Bad Go Hand In Hand
I miss you so much. Today was your due date. Today was day 98 of waking up without you. We were supposed to be welcoming you into the world today. Perhaps you would have been early, Lord knows you are my child - you would have been on time or early, for sure. Today, though, … Continue reading Dear Ava
March. For six months I was excited for March, couldn't wait for March. March. For the last three months I have been dreading March, wishing time could fast forward through the pain. March. Ava's due date was supposed to be March 8th. I'm lost and going mad in the world of should bes. I should … Continue reading March Madness
Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake? - Leonardo da Vinci Long before I knew something was wrong in my pregnancy, I had my one and only dream of Ava. I was in the bathtub relaxing and feeling Ava kick. She started kicking like crazy, and … Continue reading Dream
It's hard. It sucks. You feel envy, jealousy, anger, shame. It's not something you can openly admit, but seeing her happy birth announcement makes you sad. It's another reminder that you didn't get to feel that joy. Your baby wasn't for keeps. You think, why her and not me? Seeing her post milestones pictures or … Continue reading When she gets her baby… and you don’t
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com It was a week after we had lost Ava and someone I crossed paths with occasionally noticed I was obviously no longer pregnant and innocently asked, "I know you are probably tired of people asking, but how are you feeling?" Well, actually no one has asked me yet, I thought. … Continue reading What do you say?