Reflecting on my 20s

A lot to be thankful for happened in this decade, but also a lot of crushing heartache. I just can’t acknowledge one without the other. Both are so defining of who I am today.

I married the most wonderful man that has been by my side through it all. He is my solace and saving grace; the best decision of my 20s, hands down.

I never imagined I would have pursued a second degree, a completely new career, or bought and sold a house in the same decade. I started my 20s thinking I would be a psychologist and then a family mediator. I took a few detours through preschool teacher, children’s mental health case manager, early childhood specialist case manager, and ended my 20s as an accountant.

From childhood, I always imagined I would have two kids by the time I was 30 (because that’s super old and plenty of time, right?), a boy and a girl. I suppose I should have been more specific. I never could have seen the heartbreak coming, although pessimism is my wheelhouse. Even when we decided we were ready to start a family, I remember saying, “What if it takes us 3 years to have our first? I want to be done being pregnant by the time I’m 30, so why not take the leap now?” This spring marks 4 years of trying to grow our family.

I’ve cycled through immense joy, depression and suicidal thoughts, nihilism, and acceptance for what is. I’ve counted on things to work out, and then they haven’t. I’ve decided on plans and had them fail. I’ve adjusted course and kept my head up as much as possible. I’ve learned a lot, but realize I have so much more to learn and accomplish in this life.

Recently I heard Carly Pearce’s new song, and pieces of it really hit me and how my 29th year played out. Everyone loves to joke about being 29 forever, but I’ll just as soon leave it behind. My 30s WILL be my decade. I’m willing it to happen. This next decade will be one of stability, growing and completing our family, and soaking up every second of chaos, joy, and exhaustion that comes with having a family.

🎶 “But for me 29 is the year…I held on for dear life, but I still fell off the horse… The year I was gonna live it up, now I’ll never live it down. 29, by now I thought I’d have it figured out, but I’ve never felt as lost as I do now. And everybody says, “You’re only 29″ but I feel like I’m running out of time. If youth is wasted on the young, have I wasted mine? …Seems like everybody else is hanging on to it, but I swear to God, I’ve barely made my way through it…” 🎶

My 20s built me and broke me. I’m starting my 30s stronger than I’ve ever been, and I’m ready to hit my stride.

Here’s hoping my 30s are when all the pieces fall back together.

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