I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t been sure what to say. I’ve been here before. It’s nothing new… but it is different, it is new. It’s a new loss, it’s another bright flashing sign in my face saying it’s never going to work, it’s a new level of sadness. We aren’t just missing a piece of our family and our hearts. There is no rainbow for us. Just another drive home from the hospital with no baby.
We had always said that we were only going to give it one more try, and if I made it past the first trimester, and we don’t bring a baby home, it’s time to change course.
Well, here we are.
We didn’t bring our baby home.
My OB said that I probably never will unless we use a surrogate. A gestational carrier is our best hope of ever having a living baby.
Sounds like a simple fix, thanks to technology and science these days, right?
We are facing an uphill battle still. Just a different one.
It’s taken some time to process, and we still aren’t completely set on the idea that I will never try to carry again. Although, for about a month after we lost Ian, I was set on having my tubes removed as soon as possible so that I would never have to worry about becoming pregnant and facing this utter devastation again. I’ve come to my senses somewhat as I want to avoid any possible complications when it comes time to do egg retrievals, and if I have my tubes removed, although it’s unlikely, it is possible that it could cause scarring in a way that would hamper the retrieval process. Birth control pills it is. I’m currently terrified of becoming pregnant, especially since the treatment protocol we would want to use if I try to carry again requires hydroxychloroquine for 3 months preconception. Surprise pregnancy would basically equal impending doom. I can’t.
Anyway, we are shifting gears and working to save money for a surrogacy journey. We have to save upwards of 100K before we can be financially prepared for a journey. I’ve been busy researching the steps of the process and even had a telehealth appointment with a new RE who will eventually do my egg retrieval when we are ready to proceed. It’s a lot to take on, and considering we are already over 3 years into trying to start our family, to say I’m impatient is an understatement. I just need our little one here to love up on as soon as possible.