So this happened…

My husband came in with the mail and told me I had a letter. I still get excited for actual letters or cards like a little kid. Probably because it’s a rare occurrence and I’m just a dork like that. I looked over the envelope and thought it was strange there was no return address and my name was typed, not written. I opened the envelope and thought it was a funny Valentine’s card or something. The front has a picture of an avocado and says “Don’t worry, you’re the good kind of fat.” Pregnancy jokes were far from my mind.

I opened the card, and it finally hit me. I stood there stunned for several minutes. Who was this Jen who knew me well enough to drop $200 on me, but didn’t know me well enough to know I lost Ava over two months ago? Was this some kind of sick joke? Who would do this?

My husband, being the rational investigator while I just stood confused and tears falling, Googled the zip code and discovered it came from Utah. We definitely don’t know anyone in Utah. After I got myself together I decided to investigate Google some more and discovered that these cards get sent out to pregnant ladies as some sort of scam. I’m not entirely sure of the aim of the scam. From a few posts I gathered that these gift cards are good, but don’t cover shipping costs that are ridiculously expensive, and some people reported that the items purchased turned out to be cheap junk.

It’s things like this that no one thinks about after a loss, but we deal with. I have been marking pregnancy, diaper, and other related ads on Facebook as irrelevant for weeks now, but they still pop up because of my previous posts and likely because of many of my friends’ posts. The algorithm seems to think I’m a good target.

I will be having a fairly decent day like today and then something will hit me like a bunch of bricks. And honestly, it doesn’t even have to be something that out there or significant. It can be something like a song, going to a restaurant and realizing I went there while pregnant, or a familiar smell. People have avoided bringing up things around me, and I can tell there is hesitation when I mention Ava. But, talking about Ava doesn’t hurt. I like the opportunity to talk about Ava. The other day someone noticed the ring I was wearing and asked about it. I explained that the stone was aquamarine because Ava’s due date was going to be March. It was a nice moment in which the person wasn’t phased when I mentioned Ava.

So while things like today suck because it is a punch in the gut that sends me to the world of should bes, I gather myself and continue on. I just hope that there aren’t other women out there who have also suffered a loss and find themselves getting this “nice” card.

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