So what now? I don’t want this blog to be sad and depressing. Yes, there’s been a lot of sadness in our story, but I know I’m not in the depths of despair anymore. Some days are harder than others, but every day I work hard at moving forward. I struggle to not think about what should be and instead keep my head down and put one foot in front of the other. I can’t spend all my time thinking about what life should be. I should be 36 weeks tomorrow. I should be prepping for maternity leave and putting the final touches on Ava’s nursery. Ava should be safe in my belly, still having 3 am dance parties. Oh, all the should bes I could think of if I let myself. Of course I slip, a lot. I try to be easy on myself because grieving is a process, and it’s definitely not linear. I will probably always have moments where another should be pops into my head and causes my heart to ache. Birthdays, milestones, special events. I’m adamant that I have to move forward, and this does not mean the same thing as move on. I move forward because I must. Time goes forward, and life is what it is.
One foot in front of the other. Day by day. Ava is a part of our story and always will be. We will continue to do things to keep her as present with us as we can. Maybe the ways we have and will remember her will be a future blog topic. Anyway, moving forward doesn’t mean moving on. I think moving on is something we must do after a bad break up or losing out on a great job opportunity. We don’t move on from baby loss. It’s a part of us; Ava is an important part of our family. I would give anything to have her here with us right now, but since that’s impossible, we continue forward on this new trajectory.
This new trajectory has landed us with several doctors appointments coming up this spring. I was instructed by my OB to see not only the maternal fetal medicine (MFM) doctor, but also a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to come up with a plan before we try again. So moving forward, I will be sharing what these doctors have to say, as well as the “game plan” we set in place.
I have no idea where this new path will lead us. Perhaps it will be a short journey to our rainbow. *Fingers crossed, toes crossed, everything crossed* Or, perhaps it will lead to surrogacy and/or adoption. I have started to accept the reality facing us, and although I wish I could just peek into our future to see which route we end up on, I am, for the first time, looking forward to the future again.