This isn’t how it was supposed to go. This isn’t how it was supposed to end.

It all happened so fast.

I had been having weekly reassurance scans from 10 weeks, and we were told everything looked good at 14 weeks. We had an OB and MFM appointment that day. Both said the fluid looked great, growth was good. Everything was fine.

Monday I was 15 weeks + 3 days when I went into the now routine scan.

The tech swished across my belly a few times and then said, you’re bladder is too full, go to the restroom. My heart immediately started racing, I had seen this “trick” before. As I went to close the bathroom door I saw her dart past, I knew. She had to warn the nurse. Call the doctor.

After too long of silence, I finally said the words so the tech didn’t have to. “There’s no heartbeat, is there?”

One week everything was fine, the next we are in another silent ultrasound room.

I thought we would have a warning – slowed growth and then lower fluid. I thought we would make it at least as far as we made it with Ava.

I was doing everything possible.

I was taking all the medication that I could…
Tacrolimus, started at 3mg twice/day increased to 4mg twice/day based on trough levels
Heparin 10,000 units twice/day
Prednisolone, started at 10mg, increased to 15mg due to CRP level (increased inflammation)
Progesterone one in AM, and two in PM, plus twice weekly IM shots
Aspirin 162mg
Vitamins and supplements: prenatal, calcium, D, super B-Complex, extra folate, omega 3 fish oil, DHEA

It still wasn’t enough.

I even adopted a gluten free and low lactose diet nearly a year ago in hopes it would reduce inflammation and get me a little further. I drank pomegranate juice daily. Ate healthy overall with avoiding as much added sugar as possible.

It still wasn’t enough.

I was so sure with everything we were doing we would get to bring our rainbow home this time.

My head is still reeling from this whiplash.

2 thoughts on “Whiplash

  1. I am shocked and so sad to read this post. There are no words, I am so incredibly sorry. I am wrapping you up in a big hug and I wish I knew you in real life so I could support you more. If you need someone to talk to I am here.


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