8w+3d

Just a “little” update!

Since last writing, I’ve checked off two things from my long list of small steps: start injections (finally on ALL my meds!) and first OB appointment.

I prepared myself for having to do low molecular weight heparin which is injected once a day. My MFM decided to put me on regular ol’ heparin, so I’m actually doing injections every 12 hours. I’m the type of person who has to look away when getting blood drawn, and yet here I am, jabbing myself with a needle, with no guidance, twice a day. I’m honestly super proud of myself for doing this. And I realize how silly that is. Anyway, I’m nearly 2 weeks in to this new routine, and collecting bruises like pokemon. I look for shapes like they are clouds. Hey, I gotta make it interesting/ distract myself somehow…

My first OB appointment was today. I was again riddled with anxiety, this time for a few different reasons. Yes, I was nervous if there would be a heartbeat today or if anything else would come up. But, this clinic is the one where I went at the end of my last pregnancy. Technically, by the time I had my first appointment, Ava had been stillborn a week before. It went from OB appointment to essentially a mental health check up. Then the follow up 5 weeks later was when we discussed the placental pathology report. It was the third most devastating day of my life. (1. The day I was told Ava would die, 2. The day Ava died/ was stillborn.) The day I was told it was my body that killed Ava and it would try to do the same with any future pregnancy “You’re only option might be surrogacy.” I cried in my car the hardest I had cried the entire time. My grief over Ava was compounded a hundred times because all hope had been taken from me.

I had stepped back in the clinic a few times since then. I had the consult with the MFM, and I’ve been to other lab there for blood work several times already this pregnancy. But those were upstairs and with a different doctor. I had debated finding a different OB, but this OB knows my history, and shared that his wife had miscarried at 20 weeks, so he understands the pain of loss, and the anxiety I will face this time. And it seems silly to avoid the OB clinic when I have to go upstairs for the MFM regularly anyway.

So back to today. I was anxious about returning. I was anxious about having someone not know my history and say or ask the wrong thing. Of course, that’s inevitable. The lovely nurse in the course of asking the routine questions innocently asked if I had seen this OB before. I answered an awkward, umm yeah, well at the end of my last pregnancy. She shot me an oh shit look and said, “oh that’s right,” and moved on quickly. Honestly, I have had much worse encounters with medical staff on this topic. I was scared there wouldn’t be a heartbeat or that the growth would be off or any number of other things that could possibly be wrong.

Little background, last pregnancy I went to a small town general practitioner for my care. She delivered babies at the local hospital, well, before the hospital closed the maternity ward. I didn’t realize the difference it makes to go to an actual OB. I wasn’t expecting to have an ultrasound today. The experience I had of first appointments was a doppler to listen for a heartbeat, which can’t be heard before 9 weeks generally and sometimes not even then. So last time, I got freaked out for no reason and had to wait for an ultrasound to be ordered and scheduled. I didn’t want to go through that again.

Thankfully, I feel like I’m in much better hands this time. My OB did a scan and our little sticky bun is measuring 8w+5d. The heart rate was on the high end at 183, which worried me a bit, but OB said it was okay. He thinks the “excitement” of those visit got little one all riled up.

OB calmed me by letting me know that he will be watching me closely and keeping in contact with MFM. He went over how he will ramp up monitoring and do everything he can to keep us on track.

I’m also incredibly relieved that he agrees with delivery at 34 weeks. I’ve been so nervous that the doctors would fight me on early delivery, especially if “everything is going well.” I don’t want to play that game. The doctor in London recommends 34 weeks, so my goal is 34 weeks. He said he remembers speaking with the pathologist and he had recommended 34 weeks as well. OB said if we can get a live baby at 34 weeks, we’ve done great. Please, oh, please, let us get there!

Next up!

First MFM appointment in two weeks!

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