Living a Juxtaposed Life

In the early days following Ava’s death, I would find myself lost in thoughts of her: replaying the hospital scenes, the last days feeling her move, the quiet dark sonogram room. And then sharp, loud laughter would pierce my grief bubble as those around me continued on with their normal days filled with light conversation and laughter. The difference in the two worlds I was experiencing simultaneously was startling.

After time, this juxtaposition became a normal part of life, no longer as shocking to my system to switch between.

I find that the events of my life and ongoings around me are often this contrast of dark and light, easy and hard, joyful and soul shattering.

A perfect example of this phenomenon occured last month. I had contacted my RE office to start timed cycles earlier that day. I was instructed to go get a blood draw to confirm I wasn’t pregnant in order to get the prescription for the meds. As I sat in the waiting room, scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, a pregnancy announcement stole the air from my lungs.

I was happy for this couple because I knew some of their struggle with fertility. The announcement caught me off guard, of course it was a matter of time, though. It was joyfully celebrating (which was well deserved) the blessing they’d been given. And here I was, confirming that yet again I am not pregnant. Any other time it would have hurt, but coupled with my current circumstance and location it seemed like just another jab from the universe. Just another way the universe can rub salt in my wounds.

It’s times like those that I feel like throwing my hands up and saying, I give up! Why me? Why can’t I have the one thing I want most?

Yet, here I am, still going. I can’t tell you why. I feel like I’m insane for continuing to try sometimes. I guess I’m too stubborn to let the universe tell me to quit, if that’s what it’s doing.

Today is a rare day that everything seems to line up, no juxtaposition to be seen. The weather has turned cold and rainy again which perfectly matches the mood on the anniversary of Ava’s due date: dark and dreary. Yesterday confirmed that, yet again, I’ve failed, and I’m not pregnant. Our first timed cycle was a failure. I had really thought that it would be one and done. Honestly I thought I would’ve been pregnant back in like September, so the fact that we are going through Ava’s due date anniversary with no sign of when or if we will ever bring a baby home? Well, it fits perfectly with the day. A day that represents all that we had, all that we lost and all that we will never have.

Even living a juxtaposed life, there are bound to be days that are monochromatic. Nonetheless, I’m still going. And this time, I’m telling the universe that I’m not stopping because one day I will hold my rainbow.

No matter what, my juxtaposed life will carry on because that’s the reality of living after loss. But, even knowing this, I can’t let the universe win this one.

So, here goes another month. What will the universe throw my way this time?

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