‘Clean Slate’

Tabula Rasa. Blank Slate. Unwritten Story.

I had my post-op appointment with Dr. T and a new intern, who, as a giant man child, gave the most awkward symptom review of my life. He acted like vagina is a dirty word and stuttered every time he said it. I sure hope he loosens up before he gets his white coat, and hopefully also decides to specialize in something safe like feet. Because “down there” is not a phrase doctors, especially OB/GYNs should use.

Anyway, after Dr. T joined my appointment and took over, she gave me the good news that my polyps were benign. *Cue huge sigh of relief that there was not another hurdle attached to this one.*

Dr. T explained that there were more polyps than the initial saline sonogram had caught. Essentially there were polyps all the way around which were likely impeding the ability of any swimmers getting through. Dr. T said that I am starting over with a “clean slate” thanks to the procedure.

However, since my earlier labs had shown that my ovarian function was lower than preferable, combined with the fact that this spring we will have been trying for 3 years, with no living baby, she suggested moving forward with fertility treatments.

Starting next cycle, I will go on a medication to assist my ovarian function, with tracked cycles where I will get a shot of hormone to release eggs, and hopefully conceive quicker.

After nearly 3 years, I felt a renewed sense of excitement that we can make this work. I have been thinking how Dr. T said I was a “clean slate” now. While I never bought into the theory of tabula rasa in child development (psych degree still shows sometimes!), I like the idea of a blank slate for 2020. I know there will never be such thing as a truly clean slate for me or my life, and I don’t want to ditch all my baggage – though it’s heavy, it’s full of love. I do think, though, that the clean slate mentality can be a boost to my spirits in the coming year as we take this next step toward conceiving and hopefully bringing a baby home. I am trying to compartmentalize the past and the present, to focus on where we are currently at and where we can go from here. Like I said, I’m not trying to bury the past; I still think about Ava daily. However, I think with regard to conceiving, it does no good to count how many days into the journey we are, or how many negative pregnancy tests I’ve taken. This year, I’m focusing on each day as it comes, each cycle as it unfolds, and at the end of the year, we will either be pregnant, or taking a step back to figure out our next course of action.

Hopefully a clean slate is just what we need, and a new story is about to be written.

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