365 Days

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Time doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s been 365 days since we said goodbye, but it feels as though it just happened. It seems like a hundred years since I’ve held you, touched your nose, kissed your cheeks. It feels like yesterday that I gave birth to you in the deafening silence that filled the hospital room.

It’s been 365 days.

I don’t need to go into all the ways today should be different. We all know. No birthday wish can bring you back.

Your life colors everything I see and do now. Your existence paints my world a different shade. There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about you and how much I would love to share these days with you. You have taught me so much in your short time with us, and you continue to teach me every day since you left. I would not be the person I am today without your existence in my life.

I never knew a love so big, until I heard your heartbeat for the first time.

I never knew how much something so small could mean to someone.

I never knew how much losing you would hurt.

I never thought to stop and think about how those we come across in our daily lives could be grieving and just doing their best to survive. The lady wandering down the middle of the grocery store aisle, oblivious to others needing to go past. The guy switching lanes without a blinker and cutting someone off. Extending grace in these moments is challenging because I’m doing my best to survive as well, but you taught me how short life is, and how beautiful it can be. Give grace. We are all just trying to survive.

I can’t believe it has been a year already. You’ve been gone longer than we had with you. You are forever in our hearts and will always be with us for the rest of our years.

You taught me that time doesn’t matter, it is how you spend it. We can have all the time in the world and not do a damn thing useful or helpful to others, or we can use what little time we have and make the biggest impact we can. You made a huge impact in our lives in 26 weeks, an indelible print on our souls. In the last year we have donated time and money to those who helped us and who continue to help others going through the heartache of baby loss. We wouldn’t have even known about these charities without you. So, yes, you, sweet baby girl, have made an impact and continue to impact others as we donate in your memory, as we try in our daily lives to brighten others’ days where we can.

Even though you are gone, everything I do, I do for you and in your memory.

Today, we have birthday pie and hold space for your memory and the special place you will always hold in our lives.

We love you, sweet pea.

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