Well, I suppose the update is that there is no real update.
It’s been about 4 months since getting to a point where we were ready to start trying again. The only update I have is that my thyroid hormones are back within range now. At my endocrinologist appointment last week, I was told now is the perfect time to start trying.
Fingers crossed that that is what we were needing to be successful. I’m not sure how many months of disappointment I can take. I know there are women who go through this for years and never get a positive. I know it’s still early for this time around, but when paired with the knowledge that I should already have an 11 month old (or an 18 month old for that matter) and that it’s unknown when or if I will ever actually have a living baby in my arms… It’s hard not to be impatient.
I’m trying really hard to take everything one day at a time, but I’m just so ready to get to the next part of my life. The part that isn’t defined by grief, defined by waiting, defined by silence, defined by calculating odds. I can’t help but jump ahead every chance my thoughts have to wander. I’ve accepted that our future doesn’t and won’t look like what I had always imagined. I’ve accepted that we will likely be pursuing other ways to grow our family. But, until we see this through, we can’t move on to those next steps. I just don’t do well with waiting, and I don’t do well with unknowns.