Heavy Heart

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My heart has felt heavy for the last 9 months. 9 months. I can’t believe that in two days it will be 9 months since we found out we would lose Ava. My heart is so heavy. I often feel so empty at the same time. How can that be? Then again, there are plenty of times where I’m filled with rage, filled with sadness, and filled with guilt.

I have days here and there where I feel mostly “normal,” but then I steep all night in guilt from feeling any bit of “fine” or even happy.

My heart has been especially heavy in the last few weeks again. I’m fairly certain after a lot of reflection on this backslide that it is the sense that fall is approaching. Back to school time means more reminders of milestones I will never see for Ava. We’ve entered the part of the year when I was pregnant, so every few days, I am reminded of where I was and what it was like last year. And then I think about the upcoming holidays – the Halloween that won’t be Ava’s first, nor will I be able to participate in bringing my baby in a costume to work to “trick-or-treat,” and no need to go into why Thanksgiving and Christmas will be hard.

My heart is heavy. I spend a lot of time making sure that I am carrying the weight well so that I don’t inconvenience others, even though I tell myself constantly that others opinions don’t matter.

I’m trying my best to lift myself up. I have been trying to continue to run – I actually placed 4th in my age group in a 5K as part of a corporate challenge, and I was so proud of myself. I try to find things to do and look forward to… I’m going back to school next week to continue working toward my second Bachelor’s degree. We are trying to conceive again, but at the end of each cycle it’s a week of pleading with the universe and then a big fat disappointment. Oh how I hope it happens soon and that I can carry this baby safely long enough that it can be my last time going through this awful TTC rollercoaster. I know a baby won’t fix my broken heart, but I also know that the longer my arms are empty, the heavier I feel.

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