A Letter to My Husband on Father’s Day

The magnet my husband made and asked me to paint her name

I know today isn’t at all how we imagined, or long for it to be. I’m so sorry today isn’t so very different.

But, I want you to know: I see you, and I remember what a great dad you are to our Ava Lea.

I remember how you would talk to her. How you would place your hand on my belly, waiting for the kicks. I remember the look in your eyes when you would feel one.

I remember how you took time to listen to names I had picked out, and how you suggested some of your own.

I remember how you would muse on how she would take after me, what she would grow up to be, and how you would be wrapped around her little finger.

I remember how you came rushing to my side from work when I was panicking, with only a suspicion that we wouldn’t get to bring our Ava home.

I remember you trying to find words of comfort, and how you desperately tried to hold yourself, and us, together as we raced to the hospital.

I remember the look in your eyes when we were told there was nothing the doctors could do.

I remember how you still came to appointments, knowing at any one of them, the worst news would come, so you could be there to keep me together.

I remember how, when I couldn’t look at the giant ultrasound screen on the wall, you held my hand and watched.

I remember the look of heart-wrenching pain on your face, when you held our little girl for the first time.

I remember how when the easiest thing to do would be to blame me and my body, you blamed yourself, and managed to find words to comfort me in my darkest moments.

I remember how loving you were holding our Ava, how loving you still are when carrying her memory.

I remember how you went back to work the following Monday, after saying your final goodbye to our daughter on Friday, to keep our family afloat financially.

I see how you keep me together each and every day with everything you do. I see how you keep our house and our lives running when often I can only manage the bare minimum.

I remember all you did in those first weeks when I couldn’t do much at all.

I see how you love Ava, and remember her each and every day.

I see you struggling and fighting back tears. I know you miss her so much.

I see how strong, brave, and caring you are.

I see how great of a father you are. I see you. I love you so much. I’m so proud of you.

I know our Ava Lea is so proud of her daddy, too.

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