Dear Abby, Loss Moms Carry Enough Guilt and Shame

My response letter. I hope Dear Abby will see all of our letters and publish a retraction stating she was absolutely wrong in her thoughts about grief and baby loss.

Dear Abby,
This is in response to you and Crystal in Nevada. She sought advice regarding her aunt who lost her baby 20 years ago. My daughter Ava Lea was stillborn on November 30, 2018 at 26 weeks. She was my first and only child, and I did not get to bring her home from the hospital. I had to go to the funeral home and pick up her ashes a week later. Her tiny urn sits on a tiny shelf in my living room. It’s been less than a year, so I have not yet “celebrated” her first birthday, but your response to Crystal shames mothers who do. Your response further burdens and alienates the MILLIONS of women who have lost a child. Whether the child never took a breath, or lived a day, or 20 years, we carry enough guilt and shame. We don’t need your ignorance piling on more. To Crystal – love your aunt and her baby. Say their name on special days, and most of all, listen without judgment. Be grateful that you can’t fathom her pain.

One thought on “Dear Abby, Loss Moms Carry Enough Guilt and Shame

  1. I was so angry to read this. I wanted to scream “you try losing your baby and then you can tell me how to grieve”. Thank you for your thoughtful response to such an awful letter.


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