Today is our wedding anniversary. Usually I would make a Facebook post saying how much love we share, how far we’ve come, and how I look forward to many more years of happiness together. Of course this sappy post would be accompanied by a smiling selfie of the two of us.
After five years, all of that is still very much true, but I would not be doing today justice. Today is five years, but there won’t be a smiling selfie.
We met by chance in a whirlwind of one-offs in a world where neither of us are typically outgoing. I tagged along with friends to go meet up with their friends. He mistook me for another girl in a bright shirt in the crowd. Bam. Four years of dating, graduating college together, and now married. Our love is real and runs deeper than I imagined possible, but our story would not be particularly entertaining as a novel. No drama, just us living our lives.
Five years and no smiling selfie.
I had thought about today a year ago and hoped that the smiling selfie would include a smiling baby. I yearned for that future. We almost had that future. Almost.
So here is my sappy post without a smiling selfie:
I love you more than I could have imagined five years ago. Your crazy knows my crazy. Your love knows my love. And now, your pain knows my pain. It tears me apart to know I played a role in your pain (I know, I know. It’s not my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong. It still sucks and isn’t fair.) I can say things to you that I could never say to anyone else because you already know before I say it. You feel it too. Your heart hurts like my heart hurts. Your love keeps me together and surviving on my worst days, and I hope my love does the same. Our love for Ava over pours from our shattered, taped together hearts that lean together for strength. The love you have for Ava makes me love you even more. I won’t say this year that I can’t wait to see what the future brings because I’m honestly scared. I’m scared that we will lose again. I’m scared that the hurt will keep hurting this way. I’m scared, but I know no matter what happens, we will tape each other back together and hold each other up. We’ve been through the worse of our “for better or for worse.” I hope that our future still holds another “better.” I love you more than you know. Always and forever. For better or for worse.