Before I always thought good and bad were separate. You could have good moments and bad moments. I knew that having a bad moment or two didn’t make a day bad, but there was some distinction between good and bad.
With stillbirth everything that you know gets thrown out, tossed upside down, and muddled all up. Is it good or bad? Does it help or hurt?
A lot of things are both. I would argue that all things are both now.
For instance, today is a gorgeous spring day. By all standards anyone would say today is a good day. But after stillbirth, I see this gorgeous day, and it does my soul good to be outside, but it also hurts. It hurts because my Ava never got to feel the warm sun on her face. She won’t get to play for hours outside in the nice weather. That’s where my thoughts were as I “enjoyed” a good run today.
You see, the good and the bad go hand in hand. In every good moment I also feel the sting of missing Ava. You see a beautiful day, I see my daughter. You experience a day full of laughter, and I ache because I never heard my Ava giggle. I smile at the good while feeling every bit of the bad.
Then there are things that help me heal, but also hurt. How can something be helpful and hurtful at the same time? Stillbirth muddles everything. I sit under our Ava tree in the sun and it’s helpful. I’m anxious to see it’s beautiful blooms. But it also hurts deep in my soul like achy joints on a cold, rainy day.