March Madness

March. For six months I was excited for March, couldn’t wait for March.

March. For the last three months I have been dreading March, wishing time could fast forward through the pain.

March. Ava’s due date was supposed to be March 8th. I’m lost and going mad in the world of should bes. I should be 39 weeks pregnant will turn into I should be soothing my newborn at all hours of the night. Holding Ava, rocking her, getting to know her and watching her grow into a beautiful person.

It hurts so much that this month was supposed to be full of joy and instead it’s a harsh reminder of how much we lost. We had her stolen from us for no reason. I refuse to believe “everything happens for a reason” or “God always has a lesson.” Ava wasn’t some lesson I needed to learn from. She didn’t have to die for me to grow spiritually. That’s bullshit that’s only comforting to those who didn’t have a baby die inside of them. While I’m ranting, let’s throw in those inspirational quotes that are supposed to lift up your mood and make you feel encouraged and less depressed. Those are surely written by people who have never lost a child. “When you’re positive, good things happen.” I was positive I would have a living baby in my arms in March. “Keep your face to the sunshine and you’ll never see a shadow.” So should I just become delusional that nothing awful has happened, and not allow myself to feel the darkness? I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” Please. There was no choice in this. Sure I can make choices now on how to move forward with my life, but I am a different person now because of what happened to me. To us. Although I often turned to words to lift me up in the past, now it seems different. Words don’t express the right sentiments.

It is so difficult to acknowledge let alone express what this month is and will be like. In my previous life back when I worked with kids, we would always tell them to use their words. What do you do when there are no words to describe what you feel and experience? This blog post captures the struggle when there are no words…

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